Who farted?

by christypaul2013

Three days in, and I’m a conspiracy theorist. I really enjoy movies, and having no media has made me nostalgic for all the great movies I’ve seen in my life. However, one thing that made the decision to give up movies for a full year easier: most movies suck these days. I mean, things are getting really bad. Did you see The Amazing Spiderman? Do you hate yourself? I hate you.

Once upon a time, movies used to be good, but somewhere along the way, something messed it all up. Someone farted in the film industry, and we as a movie-going public are still smelling it. I have done humanity a great kindness and found out who the fartist was:

The Blair Witch Project and everyone involved.

I don’t think it’s fair to blame any filmmaking that took place before the 50s. Those guys were just learning what a camera looked like. It takes a while to get the recipe right, I guess.  The 60s had Paul Newman at his peak, and cool indy things like Easy Rider were taking place. Also, there were like 5 movies being released a year so they all had to be good.

(Please don’t expect any of the dates or information used here to be correct. I’m not allowed google to fact check any more. This year sucks.)

Things were a bit too gross and “porny” in the 70s for my tastes, but I’m sure people liked them. Was The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh made in the 70s? That was a good one.

The 80s brought us Bill Murray and John Hughes movies. You’re Welcome.

The early 90s started off well enough. Disney Animation was hitting its stride, and even whiny goth kids had Tim Burton to worship. We should have known things were going to take a nosedive.

Movie studios were at the top of their game. Every movie was a blockbuster, and life was good. They were producing left and right, but they could afford it. Life was better with Clinton.

Once the Blair Witch Project took over the planet, studios began an industry-wide get rich scheme. If the Blair Witch cost 14 cents and made 200 million, their movie should too, right?  They stopped paying money for quality film ideas and only put real money behind 3-4 movies a year. There’s a reason why The Hobbit is a single book that will have 15 films, a miniseries and a Saturday morning cartoon based on it – because it MAKES MONEY.

This is why we’re stuck watching Expendables 2 and That’s My Boy. There’s just not enough money to experiment anymore, and there’s one thing to blame.

The Blair Witch Project.

It farted.

This rant was brought to you by the letter Paul.

Advertisements