The Little Porn That Could

by christypaul2013

 

*I’ve got an update/question regarding this post. This has easily been the most viewed thing I’ve written on this blog, and I thank everyone who gave it a read. Due to the “pornographic nature” of this story, we’ve gotten some interesting search terms leading viewers to the story. My personal favorite was the one or two people who searched for “Porno Paul”.  At first, I thought it was a new nickname my admiring public had coined, and I secretly hoped it would spread like wildfire. It turned out to be a transgender porn star. We here at christypaul2013 wish Porno Paul the best in all his/her future endeavors.

We’ve seen multiple search terms related to “littleporn”, which has piqued my interest. What is “littleporn”? My vanity assures me that it’s just what people type when they want to read the story.  My brain tells me that it’s a term used by people who seek  pornography consisting of minuscule actors, who aren’t so minuscule where it counts, I bet 😉 If anyone knows what “littleporn” means, I’m begging you to leave a comment or send us an email at christypaul2013@gmail.com, so that we can put this conspiracy to rest. As always, I love you all and thanks for visiting-Paul

 

With all this free time, I’ve had too many new ideas. Which means it’s time to get rid of some of my older, less-shiny ideas. It’s spring cleaning time around here. I’ve been keeping a hopper of script ideas that, God willing, I’d eventually get around to writing. Once written, these scripts would make me a millionaire. Unfortunately, I’m still broke. So, once a week, I’m going to share one of these gems with the world. Out of my mind, into yours. You keep it, I don’t want them anymore.

The Little Porn That Could started as a short story written in some random creative writing class. It took about 30 minutes to write, but the story has stuck with me for almost 4 years. Set during the WGA writers strike of 2007-08, it was about a young man who banded his rural town together to make a porno. The film became a smashing success, and even included hometown hero Craig T. Nelson. Due to a weak field of contenders thanks to the writer’s strike,  this artistic porn somehow earned a Best Picture Nomination.

The big wigs in Hollywood had enough to worry about with the strike, but they’d be damned if a porn would win Best Picture. Especially a porn made by amateurs, further shattering the Hollywood system. The President of the Academy hopped on the first flight to Ireland and strong armed Daniel Day Lewis into helping. Daniel Day Lewis half-heartedly spoke for ten minutes, while the President shot the whole thing on a cell phone. While the production value was low, Daniel Day Lewis was incredible. This cell phone footage was immediately hailed as the new frontrunner.

It all came to a head at the Oscars. The Academy vs. The Amateurs. The young man and his crew arrived at the Oscars and were berated by their peers. The Writers, still on strike, saw them as scabs who took an easy opportunity to seize fame with smut. The Academy President flipped his lid once Craig T. Nelson took home Best Supporting Actor for Seven Dongs for Seven Daughters. The President even tried to strong arm the presenter for Best Picture, Jack Nicholson, into announcing Day Lewis’ film the winner, no matter what.

I love a good underdog story, so of course the Porn wins Best Picture. The Academy President almost Kanye’d the young man’s acceptance speech, until Jack Nicholson and Daniel Day-Lewis saved the day, letting the porn have its moment of glory. The next day, the WGA strike would be called off. The young man and his porn would go back into obscurity, but they had made a lasting impression on Hollywood.

The script would be pretty similar to an underrated Christopher Guest film, For Your Consideration. Only this film would have much more nudity. Craig T. Nelson Nudity. This film would make up for Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

BUT, or butt I guess J, I think the window for this script has closed. It’s been too long since the WGA strike, and the script is incredibly indy to begin with, so this would have no chance in getting made into a film.  It’s sad, since I think this would make for a charming, off-beat underdog story, but The Little Porn That Could is destined to live forever on this blog and this blog alone. At least someone will read it. Maybe.

Paul’s porn name would be Bologna Jones.

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