Is it Tuesday already? Nah, it can’t be, that’s crazy. I’m being told that it is, in fact, Tuesday. The stupid calendar salesmen have turned us all into robots. Robots, I say!
When I’m not forgetting what day it is, I spend most of my time thinking about movies. Oh yeah ladies, I’m a catch. Tonight, I was thinking about one of my favorite actors, Mr. Gene Wilder. He could do it all. Gene could make you laugh, cry, even sing a song when the moment called for it. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is probably my favorite children’s film. One day, I’ll write a post about why Tim Burton should be put on trial for his crimes against that great movie, but that’s for another day. Today, I’m depressed. Depressed that Gene Wilder had to get old, and that he doesn’t act anymore. So, I’m going to do Hollywood a favor and point out who’s deserving of taking up the Wilder mantel.
But who? Who possesses the immense acting talent of a Wilder, or a Bynes? Watch The Office if you don’t understand that reference. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
That was nice, wasn’t it. My apologies if you watched the British version, I didn’t mean to fool you. Actually, I just did you a favor, because the man I believe has channeled the ghost of Gene Wilder is none other than…Jenna Fischer. No, I’m kidding. Pam’s awful. It’s Steve Carell.
I can’t think of another actor who has that classic “Gene Wilder” shimmer in his eyes like Steve Carrel. They are both funny, charming and have the ability to break your heart with a single look. Steve Carrell and Gene Wilder are the kind of people you don’t want thinking you’re an asshole. When Gene Wilder tells Charlie that he’s been disqualified after drinking the Fizzy Lifting Drink, it gets me every time. Something like that would mortify a child for life. Imagine if Steve Carell’s droopy dog eyes locked onto John Krasinsky, and he promptly fired him from The Office. That would be the saddest episode ever.
Steve Carell and Gene Wilder aren’t winning People’s Sexiest Man Alive any time soon. They look like real people, they feel genuine. I’m telling ya, remake Young Frankenstein with Carell belting out “Putting on the Ritz” alongside Jason Segel as Frankenstein. That movie would be a hit 8 days a week.
Steve Carell is too old, you say. He’s past his prime, you say. We want fresh meat, you say. Give us fresh, bloody meat! I say you’re stupid. However, I’m willing to look into my crystal ball and pull out a fresh faced newcomer, capable of being wilder than his peers. See what I did there. Yeah, I’m clever.
Here’s my pick to be the next Wilder once Steve Carrell retires after Get Smart 8. Are you ready, because my pick’s coming, any second now.
Aaron Taylor Johnson.
Who? I thought you’d ask that, that’s why I wanted to stop at Carell. You made me go back to the future. It’s your fault. Aaron Taylor Johnson is a young Brit who played the lead in Kick-Ass. But Paul, he’s far too handsome to be our next Gene Wilder. Maybe. But he does have a Wilder-esque attribute that Steve Carrell typically lacks. Aaron Johnson is a pretty weird guy. There was always something off about Gene Wilder. You weren’t sure if he was going to sing or chop your head off with a rusty axe. Aaron Johnson came across as a sweet nerd in Kick-Ass, but in real life the kid has a screw loose.
A few years ago, he played a young John Lennon in the biopic Nowhere Boy. During production, he fell in love with his female director. That’s innocent enough, people fall for those with power over them all the time. However, this woman was over 20 years his senior. Creepy, right? I’m not even done. Shortly after news of their relationship broke to the media, he married her. Now they have a child together. He was about 22 at the time. That’s not what a future A-lister does. That’s some kooky Gene Wilder shit, right there. Personal life aside, the kid is talented. When he’s on screen, you watch. You can’t look away, because like a magician, you are convinced he’ll do something special the moment you blink. I could be wrong, but I expect big things from Aaron Taylor Johnson. Let’s just hope he doesn’t turn into the next James Franco. The world can’t handle two of them.
There you have it, I just wrote a whole post about the awesomeness that is Gene Wilder and his heirs apparent. Tomorrow, we’ll cross our fingers for Mr. Carell and Mr. Johnson, but tonight, let’s say a little prayer for Gene Wilder. Let’s pray he gets bored writing books and moonlighting as Woody Allen’s stunt double. Gene Wilder is out there somewhere, and hopefully he can read this message. Nah, that’s not possible. But if it is, here’s my plea: Come back, Gene! We miss you, buddy. Give us one more movie. Please!