For starters, where have I been? A week ago, Christy sent me to grab tennis rackets from the closet. Let’s just say I found Narnia. I’ve never been, but I feel like it was eerily similar to Milwaukee. Or maybe the outskirts of Quebec. However, I’m ashamed to have let the elf princesses keep me away from the blog for this long, and it will never happen agaaaaaain. (Tiny Chris Jericho reference for my fellow nerds)
Also, everybody stand up and clap for Christy! Go ahead, do it. Making it on Scriptshadow is a big deal, and her short has been the most impressive by a country mile, as far as I’m concerned. Not that a country mile is better or longer than a regular mile, but it is made of dirt and National Championship trophies, so it probably is better.
Tonight’s post is brought to you by Aquaman and how much I hate him. Yes, I know, EVERYBODY hates Aquaman, but my hatred comes from a place of love. Aquaman could be one of the coolest comic book characters around, but as a VILLAIN. People have to be able to root for heroes; nobody wants to cheer for an Abercrombie model who slaps people with a large mouth bass. I think Aquaman has to resent his fellow heroes, at least a little bit. He’s just as good and as powerful as they are, but I get the feeling that he does most of the pizza runs during Justice League meetings.
If DC Comics would just make Aquaman a villain, I think there could be a revival of sorts for the character. Think of the money that could be made. Nobody’s asking for the Aquaman movie, unless it’s directed by James Cameron. Even then, how is Aquaman supposed to speak? How in the blue hell do you speak underwater? Thought bubbles? Telepathy? I don’t see it working. However, you tweak the character a bit and he’d make an interesting bad guy. I assume Aquaman gets his “power” from water, which is why he becomes 100% USELESS once his feet touch sand.
Anything can happen in comics! Why can’t he wear some suit, or inject himself with a serum that effectively pumps water through his bloodstream at all times? Is that too weird? If it is, please remember that a member of the Fantastic 4 is a rock. Also, the coolest character in The Avengers was a scientist who turns into an 8 story tall green monster. Nothing makes sense. At this point, Aquaman should have found a way to keep his powers outside of the Sea.
Here’s another idea for the nerds in the room. Apparently, a Justice League movie is being developed. DC is jealous of all that Avengers moolah. Now that Disney is calling the shots for Marvel, DC is desperate to get all of their heroes together before the Avengers are fighting Darth Vader next year. That would be amaaaaazing.
Let’s go ahead and scrap that Justice League movie. How could that possibly work? Nobody cares about Wonder Woman (though I’d like to see Beyonce in the outfit), Ryan Reynolds would sooner do a Van Wilder sequel than play Green Lantern again and if I see Joseph Gordon Levitt prancing around in the Batman suit, I’m losing it. Never fear, I have a plan. It’s called the Twilight effect. Oh yeah, let’s set this baby in a high school! You don’t get any more supernatural than Superman. It would immediately drop the budget from 250 to 40 million. It will probably make the same amount of money. You throw a Jonas brother in there as The Flash and tweens are flocking to the theaters. Geeks will show up just to see this exercise in stupidity.
It writes itself, Wonder Woman’s a teen with a lip biting problem, who just moved into town from some remote island. Let’s call it the island from LOST, why not? She’s torn between the idealistic farmboy, Clark Kent, and the brooding rich kid, Bruce, who complains about his parent’s death anytime he enters a room. The class clown is a young Goth with green hair and a bubbly groupie named Harley. The more I type, the more I want to see this. I don’t think the young Joker can be the villain, because these movies are built to be franchises. You want to keep that clown in the box for the sequels. No, the villain will be Metropolis High’s star swimmer, Aquaman, or whatever Aquaman’s human name is. People will be so busy expecting the Joker, or the school’s ruthless Principal, Lex Luthor, that nobody will notice when the young blonde abducts Wonder Woman.
I realize that this idea sounds ludicrous but once the new Superman film crashes and burns this summer you’ll all see the light. My light. My light is filled with Buffy the Vampire Slayer style humor and love triangles. My light sells 200 million worth of Hot Topic merchandise. My light doesn’t have to be in 3-D. Just think about it.
Paul has missed this. Paul also expects a cease and desist letter from WB any minute now.