I Want to Learn the Violin, BUT I’M SCARED
So, a few days ago, we all got to talking about what instrument we would most like to master. For Paul, it’s the mandolin. For my husband, it’s the piano. And for me, well, obviously it’s the violin. And, as with all my I-Love-Lucy-esque escapades, I feel momentarily determined to make it happen. I’ve got free time, so why not?
Well, for starters, I’ve never done anything that required practice, or at least I’ve never practiced anything I’ve done. I’ve never played a recreational sport. Never played an instrument. Never even practiced a normal sleep cycle. Keeping up with my Nike+ FuelPoints is the closest I’ve ever come to keeping up with a random-ass commitment I’ve made for myself.
I don’t finish things in general. I come up with harebrained schemes, chase them like a dog for a while, then forget about them. Examples:
- I bought a light-up keyboard so I could learn ONE song – Cannon in D. Never happened. The keyboard stayed… somewhere for about a year, then I sold it.
- I had an idea for a student paper wiki, and even spoke with a USC professor about the logistics before being informed that teachers would hate it. Don’t teachers run papers through some internet-cheat-scanner anyway? Oh, well.
- I’ve started screenplays, novels, cartoons and video games that have gone exactly nowhere. Nanowrimo? Never started.
- Tried standup comedy. Left standup comedy.
- Wrote a short film. Interviewed cast and crew. Never filmed it.
- Attempted to get comfortable on camera. Stopped filming myself.
- Wanted to do MST3K-style commentary on stuff. Didn’t.
- Wanted to learn linear algebra and physics. Stopped watching MIT OpenCourseware.
- Okay, that’s enough. This is just depressing.
I feel comfortable saying that there is no evidence to guide me to the conclusion that I would be a good candidate for teaching myself the violin and music in general. I know that I think I would be willing to put in the hours of practice, but given my track record, it is more likely to be a $700+ investment down the crapper. I don’t trust my future self at all. I know she’s wily, and she can rationalize anything away. I feel like I have no agency over her, which is sort of disturbing. What to do… What to do?
I will admit that every psychiatrist I’ve ever seen has told me that I have ADD, but I refuse to believe that a daily dose of Adderall is the antidote to anything but growing up.*
*I’m not a doctor or medical professional of any kind. Also, never take my word on anything.