Shopping Around the Christmas Tree
It occurred to me recently that there are people who are making a living reviewing junk food online. I guess it’s not surprising, but it does anger me, because… They have duped me. Many times.
Most recently, they (speaking generally of junk food reviewers) bamboozled me into buying a $3.50 limited edition bag of Wavy Lays drenched in chocolate. I was led to believe that these stupid chips were the pinnacle of FritoLay R&D! They were salty, but not too salty, chocolatey, but not too chocolatey, and crispy, not soggy! BULLSHIT! They were LAMESTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA!
The best thing about these chips was that they gave us something to search for. The reviews led me to believe that they would be impossible to find, so when I found a SINGLE BAG misplaced in the chip aisle, I thought I had won the chocolate lottery. Then, we found this:
The chips were bad. It was just waxy, mediocre chocolate piled on top of waaaay too little chip.
IF YOU MUST try these, I implore you to get another bag of regular Wavy Lays to stack with these monstrosities. Also, share with a friend. You have no business eating one of these bags by yourself. Give a bag to a homeless* so that they might gain the weight necessary to survive through the winter!
*Hey, it’s a homeless person! Yeah, of course I’m talking about a person, chocolate-covered Lays would kill most homeless animals.
Speaking of animals, check out this cute shirt from Target!
We also strolled down to ye olde Best Buy, where the boys looked at video games, and I looked at refrigerators and such. Look at this stove top!
Ohhh, I want a deep freezer. Chest freezer? Who knew they were called chest freezers? I’ve got your chest freezers right here! *holds out icy palms* Freezer looks weird now.
At TJ Maxx, we found these:
“as if lifted from a museum.” Good, because jacked-from-a-museum is the theme I was going for. Somebody better ask whether I stole these partial bed posts from the Smithsonian, or someone is going to get a very angry letter.
Finally, this looks like cat food, but it’s actually Ikea Muesli.