It’s the end of an era. After several attempts over the years to cull my unwieldy collection of DVDs, it’s finally time to say goodbye to what’s left. I figure now’s as good a time as any to reflect on my relationship with the only thing I’ve ever collected!
By the way, if anyone has any suggestions of how to get rid of these DVDs, leave a comment.
Documentaries: Still haven’t seen any except My Kid Could Paint That, which I watched before the last major purge. I guess unwatched DVD documentaries are like unread books. Now that the Internet’s around, you’ll probably never be that bored again.
Teenage Girl Movies: I still haven’t seen Hysterical Blindness or In Good Company, but generally, in the rare instance that I bought a girly movie, I made it a point to watch it. Good for me!
Teenage Boy Movies: With the exception of Memento, I’ve watched all of these. I’d say that most of these are probably gender-neutral, but you gotta differentiate somehow, right? I watched Little Nicky A LOT as a teen.
Kids Movies: I have seen all of these movies, although I never actually watched my copy of The Little Prince. It’s occurring to me as I read through all of these titles that I was indifferent to most of the DVDs I had even when they were new. I grew up with The Secret of Nimh and The Incredible Mr. Limpet, but why did I choose to buy them as an adult? They’re both boring. The same goes for The Little Prince: probably beautiful or some shit, but still boring. I was trying to buy a memory. Dumb.
Disney Movies: Nostalgia strikes again! If I’m being honest with myself, I could have cut this down to just Aladdin years ago.
Classics: Screwball comedies from the 1940s-60s are my favorite classic movies. They are also very easy to find on Netflix and Amazon and Hulu, so owning them is redundant. I recommend People Will Talk (Netflix) and Wives and Lovers (Amazon Prime). Heaven Can Wait with Don Ameche and Gene Tierney is also good when you can find it.
Indie Comedies: I’ve watched about half of these. Some, like The Trouble with Dee Dee and Gray Matters, were purchased when Movie Gallery was going out of business. It took me five years to realize that you don’t have to keep things just because they’re rare. I’m not saying they’re valuable. They’re just so indie you’d probably never find them again unless you were searching for them. But they’re also so unmemorable that if you got rid of them, you’d never remember to search for them, so if you’re interested in them at all, you’d better keep them if you ever want to watch them. This is the logic that fills your home with garbage.
Indie Dramas and Such: I’ve watched about half of these. I don’t usually like dramas, but The Namesake, Closer and Match Point are the closest I’ve come to experiencing films as art. I’m satisfied with that and from henceforth, I shan’t continue the search for pretentious artsy dramas!
TV Series: As much as I’ve always preferred TV to movies, I never really bought into the idea that TV on DVD was a great idea. Searching for a specific episode on a specific disk, getting up to put said disk into a game console, going through the menu, and God help me, those DVDs without a Play All feature – I’ve endured it, but that time is over now.
(Mostly) European Films: I’ve seen about half of these. Would I have watched more of them if Paul weren’t such a humongous baby about being forced to read regular, English words which he encounters on a daily basis? Who can say? Yes. Being friends with Paul has made me dumber and less civilized. Happy Freaking Birthday, Paul.
Asian Films: I’ve seen less than half of these. I tried to watch The Iron Ladies with Paul, but he refused because he hates all things gender-bending and foreign. Most of the ones I watched were Korean. Thanks again, PAUL! Happy Birthday! You uncultured dick!
My Top 12: At one point, my collection included more than 700 DVDs, and I would have traded them all for the dozen you see in the picture below (in a world where DVDs are the only currency and there is only one copy of each DVD… this is unraveling). With the exception of the extremely rare Eat Your Heart Out, these DVDs have defined a decade of my life, and I think 28 is a fitting age at which to let them go. Goodbye, old identity. Hello, nothingness!
Happy 28th Birthday Paul! You’re 28! You’ve been an adult for a full decade and this is what you’re life is like! This is what you accomplished with the 3,650 days since you turned 18. Take what you think you could accomplish in one month, multiply that by 120, and that’s how much you could have accomplished by now! If you took six months to write one script, you could have completed 20 full-length screenplays by now! WOW! Congratulations!