$20 @ Michael’s:
It’s the end of an era. After several attempts over the years to cull my unwieldy collection of DVDs, it’s finally time to say goodbye to what’s left. I figure now’s as good a time as any to reflect on my relationship with the only thing I’ve ever collected!
By the way, if anyone has any suggestions of how to get rid of these DVDs, leave a comment.
Documentaries: Still haven’t seen any except My Kid Could Paint That, which I watched before the last major purge. I guess unwatched DVD documentaries are like unread books. Now that the Internet’s around, you’ll probably never be that bored again.
Teenage Girl Movies: I still haven’t seen Hysterical Blindness or In Good Company, but generally, in the rare instance that I bought a girly movie, I made it a point to watch it. Good for me!
Teenage Boy Movies: With the exception of Memento, I’ve watched all of these. I’d say that most of these are probably gender-neutral, but you gotta differentiate somehow, right? I watched Little Nicky A LOT as a teen.
Kids Movies: I have seen all of these movies, although I never actually watched my copy of The Little Prince. It’s occurring to me as I read through all of these titles that I was indifferent to most of the DVDs I had even when they were new. I grew up with The Secret of Nimh and The Incredible Mr. Limpet, but why did I choose to buy them as an adult? They’re both boring. The same goes for The Little Prince: probably beautiful or some shit, but still boring. I was trying to buy a memory. Dumb.
Disney Movies: Nostalgia strikes again! If I’m being honest with myself, I could have cut this down to just Aladdin years ago.
Classics: Screwball comedies from the 1940s-60s are my favorite classic movies. They are also very easy to find on Netflix and Amazon and Hulu, so owning them is redundant. I recommend People Will Talk (Netflix) and Wives and Lovers (Amazon Prime). Heaven Can Wait with Don Ameche and Gene Tierney is also good when you can find it.
Indie Comedies: I’ve watched about half of these. Some, like The Trouble with Dee Dee and Gray Matters, were purchased when Movie Gallery was going out of business. It took me five years to realize that you don’t have to keep things just because they’re rare. I’m not saying they’re valuable. They’re just so indie you’d probably never find them again unless you were searching for them. But they’re also so unmemorable that if you got rid of them, you’d never remember to search for them, so if you’re interested in them at all, you’d better keep them if you ever want to watch them. This is the logic that fills your home with garbage.
Indie Dramas and Such: I’ve watched about half of these. I don’t usually like dramas, but The Namesake, Closer and Match Point are the closest I’ve come to experiencing films as art. I’m satisfied with that and from henceforth, I shan’t continue the search for pretentious artsy dramas!
TV Series: As much as I’ve always preferred TV to movies, I never really bought into the idea that TV on DVD was a great idea. Searching for a specific episode on a specific disk, getting up to put said disk into a game console, going through the menu, and God help me, those DVDs without a Play All feature – I’ve endured it, but that time is over now.
(Mostly) European Films: I’ve seen about half of these. Would I have watched more of them if Paul weren’t such a humongous baby about being forced to read regular, English words which he encounters on a daily basis? Who can say? Yes. Being friends with Paul has made me dumber and less civilized. Happy Freaking Birthday, Paul.
Asian Films: I’ve seen less than half of these. I tried to watch The Iron Ladies with Paul, but he refused because he hates all things gender-bending and foreign. Most of the ones I watched were Korean. Thanks again, PAUL! Happy Birthday! You uncultured dick!
My Top 12: At one point, my collection included more than 700 DVDs, and I would have traded them all for the dozen you see in the picture below (in a world where DVDs are the only currency and there is only one copy of each DVD… this is unraveling). With the exception of the extremely rare Eat Your Heart Out, these DVDs have defined a decade of my life, and I think 28 is a fitting age at which to let them go. Goodbye, old identity. Hello, nothingness!
Happy 28th Birthday Paul! You’re 28! You’ve been an adult for a full decade and this is what you’re life is like! This is what you accomplished with the 3,650 days since you turned 18. Take what you think you could accomplish in one month, multiply that by 120, and that’s how much you could have accomplished by now! If you took six months to write one script, you could have completed 20 full-length screenplays by now! WOW! Congratulations!
Because you can never see too many pictures of cats in ties, I give you some blurry pictures of Chodie Foster’s first piece of clothing.
It occurred to me recently that there are people who are making a living reviewing junk food online. I guess it’s not surprising, but it does anger me, because… They have duped me. Many times.
Most recently, they (speaking generally of junk food reviewers) bamboozled me into buying a $3.50 limited edition bag of Wavy Lays drenched in chocolate. I was led to believe that these stupid chips were the pinnacle of FritoLay R&D! They were salty, but not too salty, chocolatey, but not too chocolatey, and crispy, not soggy! BULLSHIT! They were LAMESTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA!
The best thing about these chips was that they gave us something to search for. The reviews led me to believe that they would be impossible to find, so when I found a SINGLE BAG misplaced in the chip aisle, I thought I had won the chocolate lottery. Then, we found this:
The chips were bad. It was just waxy, mediocre chocolate piled on top of waaaay too little chip.
IF YOU MUST try these, I implore you to get another bag of regular Wavy Lays to stack with these monstrosities. Also, share with a friend. You have no business eating one of these bags by yourself. Give a bag to a homeless* so that they might gain the weight necessary to survive through the winter!
*Hey, it’s a homeless person! Yeah, of course I’m talking about a person, chocolate-covered Lays would kill most homeless animals.
Speaking of animals, check out this cute shirt from Target!
We also strolled down to ye olde Best Buy, where the boys looked at video games, and I looked at refrigerators and such. Look at this stove top!
Ohhh, I want a deep freezer. Chest freezer? Who knew they were called chest freezers? I’ve got your chest freezers right here! *holds out icy palms* Freezer looks weird now.
At TJ Maxx, we found these:
“as if lifted from a museum.” Good, because jacked-from-a-museum is the theme I was going for. Somebody better ask whether I stole these partial bed posts from the Smithsonian, or someone is going to get a very angry letter.
Finally, this looks like cat food, but it’s actually Ikea Muesli.
I don’t know how long normal cat whiskers are, but Chodie’s seem unnaturally long. I wonder if it’s because she’s a sheltered kitty who’s never had to worry about catching her face wires in a cow pasture fence… Well, good for her. With whiskers like that, she should be able to walk a tightrope. AND SHE WILL…
Aww… Christmas cat on electric snow.
Remember that magazine cover I helped design? HERE IT IS!
Paul, Jimon and I are going to Vegas this weekend to celebrate the release of the magazine and Jimon’s going away to NY Fashion Week, whenever that is…
Editor-in-Chief / Creative Director
Roger Gastman [Los Angeles]
Me [Los Angeles]!
Sabrina Yasmine Smith [New York]
Erin Bennett [Los Angeles]
Tamara Cincik [London]
Contributing Fashion Editors
Contributing Beauty Editors
Philipp Koch Verheyen
Christina Van Zon
Back cover photography
To buy or subscribe:
I was googling “Asian red hair dye” and stumbled upon this picture:
I briefly entertained the idea that someone could have taken a picture of me without my knowing and posted it on the interwebs, but then I noticed the jewelry. It’s all way cooler than anything I would ever wear. She also has a fashion blog, which you can see here: luluandyourmom.blogspot.com. I love the “and your mom” joke. I once filled out Paul’s OKCupid profile entirely in “your mom” jokes, and I think it scored him some dates (not the fruit kind), so there you go world! Girls like your mom jokes! And so does your mom.
Hello, old friend…
I’m about to condense the hell out of some time. INHALe…
The last Friday of May, we all went to a Ladies Night thingy at Pinup Girl Boutique.
We got there late because we were finishing the move out of the old place, so I missed the Great Gatsby make-up tutorial by pinup model and America’s Next Top Model contestant Micheline Pitt (who also owns the boutique?).
The place was packed to the gills with decked-out pinup peeps, possibly because it’s always busy on ladies night, or maybe because fetish model Masuimi Max was there launching her make-up line, I AM SIN.
In honor of the launch, and probably to support sales, there was a raffle for people who bought I AM SIN makeup. It was down to the last eight minutes when we got there, and I was hesitant because there were so many people who already had tickets. With a few seconds to spare, my husband goaded me into buying something so I would stop being so mopey.
They announced the first winner, wasn’t me. The second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth. Dang it, this $18 lipstick had better be good. They pumped up the audience for the grand prize: Masuimi’s fancy-ass skincare regimen, $100 gift certificate for more I AM SIN make-up and buhbuhduhbuh! Micheline Pitt does your make-up (a $75 value)! AND…
They didn’t call my number.
Just kidding, they did.
And a mere two months later, I was getting my make-up done by Micheline Pitt. By this time, I had also become friends with a photographer and worked on his magazine (I helped design the cover of the next issue! I’ll post a picture of it when it goes to newsstands). So, after I got my make-up done, I got to do an embarrassing photo shoot with my fancy makeup and new dress (and new heels, which DESTROYED me).
It’s been a long, strange trip. I still feel pretty un-photogenic, but I did something new, so… whatever that’s worth.
Oh, and all that hype and no pictures of the shoes?!
And I’m writing my second full-length screenplay of the year! About gold diggers. You now know everything that I know.
I got a laptop, and it’s a doozy! INTRODUCING MY NEW 13″ MacBook Air. 8 GB of RAM, with a 512 GB of Flash Storage!
Wondering how my computer managed to look so hipstery? Oh, you weren’t? Well, it’s iOS 7, bitches!
Eh, Brent? Ehh? Pretty pictures?
Expect even more posts than none!
Ten apartments and five cities later, we submitted our applications for a new place that’s 1/2 the size and $200+ more a month! That’s L.A., I guess. I did find a neat twisty-tree for my troubles, so… Worth it?
And our potential new apartment!
That is all. Ooh, wait, happy screenwri–
So, I haven’t been crazy hungry, but I MISS EATING SO MUCH! Today, I’ve “eaten” an acai smoothie (at least it had no dairy) and two cups of bone broth, and all I’ve wanted to do all day is give up, move next to Porto’s and eat their cheese rolls everyday for the rest of my short, miserable life! Mmm, cream cheesy…
I’ve been trying to talk myself down from giving up and trying intermittent fasting instead. And I’m pretty persuasive, so… it’s hard.
I distracted myself from food by going out looking for a new apartment, since our landlords are selling the damn house out from under us. Sigh. We’ve been spoiled, and now every crappy $1600/month apartment with a turdy view and loud neighbors looks like a dump.
I want food!
Hmm, what else did I do today besides not eat? Oh! I printed art for the first time! And it was shot on an iPhone! And it’s Mr. Bump’s!